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What Everyone Is Getting Totally Wrong About Emotional Intelligence

EQ is not defined properly. If you go back to 1996, you can rediscover what it really means.

The more I read about EQ (or Emotional Intelligence) the more I wonder if people are defining it properly. For years, I've heard that EQ is about an ability to read people--to pick up on body language, to assess a situation and read feelings, to display a warmth and emotional connection that sets you apart from others, to smile more or shake hands more vigorously. It's almost always defined as an ability to pick up on non-verbal cues and "sense" when people are frustrated or happy or sad...and that's it.

The problem with this definition is that it's practically useless in a business context.

So you can read people and pick up on emotions. Fine. That gives you some advantage in conversation or maybe in the sales process, but really it is just another tool among many by that definition. It gives you some insight and a way to interpret body language and pick up on some mysterious non-verbal signals, but you can mostly just pat yourself on the back and say you can "read people" and that's it. It gives you some bragging rights.

The actual definition of EQ, which mostly originated from a book of the same name in 1996, is partly about managing emotions and picking up on emotions. Yet, the part that is often left out--the important part, if you are thinking about business advantages--is how to manage your own emotions and how to influence others accordingly. By the classic definition of EQ, President Trump has a terribly low EQ since he doesn't seem to care about what other people are feeling and doesn't seem to read the correct signals. He's practically immune to EQ. By the classic definition from 1996, however, he is off the charts. He has an incredible ability to influence others using EQ in a way that takes the popular, more common definition and crumples it into a wad of nothing.

You can see how this often plays out. You will often hear stories about someone who didn't read people and acted in anger, or maybe it's someone who didn't read people correctly and paid for it when a business decision ended up looking cold and impersonal. It's too bad, because that's only half of the definition. It's less common to hear stories about people who used EQ to influence others in a way that led to a more well-regarded product or service--a practical use for something that is often defined as all about feelings. Leaving the influence out of EQ makes it stagnant. It's really just a touchy-feely exercise that makes you feel good and nothing more.

Here's the question to ask yourself. Let's say you have always thought you can read people well. How has it helped? What does it really mean? I agree that picking up on non-verbal cues does help you understand others, but in business, if we're not talking about influence then there isn't that much to talk about. All marketing is influence. All sales is influence. In some ways, all business is influence.

When you start thinking about EQ as some magical sixth sense and that's it, the entire concept falls flat because it's value is diminished. EQ was always supposed to be about tracking and managing your own emotions and then influencing others so that you are not always just reacting--you read emotions then influence.

I've experienced this many times, both from the standpoint of not managing my reactions properly and paying the price (making people mad, breaking a healthy relationship) and by managing my emotions and then using more of a practical, seasoned, and predictable approach (and seeing that people agree with an idea or join a cause).

That second part of the definition is where the action takes place. It's where EQ can help you the most, not just by listening more intently or smiling more. It's the part where you can build up a business and start promoting a product in a way that gets attention.

If you've been forgetting the classic definition from 1996, the part about managing your emotions and influencing, try thinking about how you can make changes in your own job or your company that tap into that deeper meaning of the concept. If you think of a change to make that leads to more influence, share your thoughts with me directly by email.

By John Brandon

 

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SIX BODY LANGUAGE THAT ARE HARD TO MASTER BUT WILL PAY OFF FOR LIFE

Maintain good eye contact

As Ursula the sea witch famously said, “Don't underestimate the importance of body language.”

Some tricks, like remembering to smile, are pretty easy to implement in your everyday life.

However, there are other techniques that, while relatively commonsense, are somewhat trickier to tackle.

Still, they can make a huge difference.

Here are six body language hacks that can be tricky to master, but will definitely pay off forever once you do:

1. Mirror the person you're speaking to

Mirroring - or aligning your body to match the position of whoever you're speaking to - can be a tough skill to master. But doing it shows admiration and agreement, says Rosemary Haefner, chief human resources officer at CareerBuilder.

It can be hard to do this subtly, without looking like you're mimicking or mocking someone, but this is definitely a good trick to employ if you're really trying to make a good impression.

2. Walk with purpose and energy

Not everyone walks with confidence. Some of us shuffle through life with a slumping, awkward gait.

And it can be tough to change the way we walk. But if you take some steps to improve it, you can help to ensure that people don't make snap judgments about your confidence, attractiveness, and trustworthiness, according to Scientific American.

3. Maintain good eye contact

It's all in the eyes.

People with a shaky gaze often come across as anxious, distracted, or dishonest. And it can be tough to master the skill of maintaining eye contact, since it's a very uncomfortable and unnatural thing for some people. But it's a practice that can help you immensely in life.

Luckily, there are some simple techniques for maintaining better eye contact if you feel your stare isn't cutting it.

In How To Talk To Anyone, author and communication expert Leil Lowndes advises that you should “pretend your eyes are glued to your conversation partner's with sticky, warm taffy.”

Once you master this trick, you'll immediately see an improvement in your face-to-face communications with others.

4. Keep your hands visible

It's hard to know what to do with your hands sometimes, especially if you're a somewhat nervous person.

As a result, you might take to compulsively jamming them into your pockets or crossing your arms. Those are understandable moves, but they also project a somewhat negative image.

As Business Insider previously reported, it's important to keep your hands visible, lest you look like you're hiding something.

Invite people in and allow them to trust you by using more open body language. Avoid positions that make you appear defensive (even if that's how you're feeling).

5. Sit up straight

Your parents were right to constantly bark at you to adjust your terrible posture when you were a moody teen.

“If you lounge back in your chair, recruiters interpret it as a sign of your disinterest in the open position or that you're not taking the interview seriously, neither of which will help you land the job,” Amanda Augustine, a career advice expert for TopResume, previously told Business Insider. “In addition, slumping over in the chair can indicate a lack of confidence.”

Instead, she suggests sitting as if there was a string tied from the top of your head to the ceiling. Sitting up straight is seen as a sign of intelligence, confidence, and credibility, she explains.

Anyone with bad posture can tell you that correcting your slouch is not always easy. But it's definitely worth it in the long run.

6. Work on your handshake

No one wants to receive a “dead fish” handshake. Writing on LinkedIn, Ashish Arora notes that “a weak handshake equals a weak person” in most peoples' minds.

So how do you give a great handshake?

Arora breaks it down for us: “When squeezing your hand you want the grip to be tight enough to feel the bones of the other person’s hand lightly pressing into your skin and then keeping the same amount of pressure while you make two to three moderately strong shakes in the vertical plain. Maintain eye contact and a smile throughout.”

• AINE CAIN BUSINESS INSIDER
• Wednesday 29 November 2017 13:19 GMT
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The Business of Body Language

“Often you would open your hands and show your palms, and that tends to be a trusting gesture. Studies show that when you use your hands naturally as you talk, people like you,” says Melinda Marcus, with whom I’m sharing an early supper.

“You also turn your hands down when you make a point, which creates authority. Watch Bill Gates or Bill Clinton. And, you lean in, which is good, because it shows you are engaged and interested. But one thing I would coach you on is that you tend to hunch over, which creates a feeling that you are not confident. It’s called a turtle when you bring your shoulders up and neck in, like you are trying to hide. Somebody who feels confident holds their head up, shoulders back,” she says.

Marcus sounds like my dad, always telling me to put my shoulders back. She’s right on the money. Body language is something we develop early in life, and if we want to get promoted or get into an elite graduate school, we might want to work on it. I just want a good interview.

Marcus calls herself a decision catalyst, an expert in the science of influence, combining persuasive psychology, body language, and strategic messaging in what she defines as the Marcus Method of Influence. “I show executives how to influence decisions before they lose big opportunities,” she says.

Hospitals hire Marcus to evaluate resident physicians, to weed out ones that interview well but won’t fit the culture. Corporations hire her to consult on how to “open doors and close deals,” attract new customers, and grow loyalty with current ones. She’s done a TED Talk, regularly conducts persuasive communications seminars for corporations and associations, and shows executives how to fast-track building trust in relationships, which leads to sales. She’s helped clients win $60 million dollar contracts and she estimates her consulting clients have grown their revenues by more than $279 million.

“Melinda has helped us grow exponentially,” says Dr. Jeffrey Whitman, president and chief surgeon of the Key-Whitman Eye Center. Whitman never considered TV commercials and marketing until Melinda came along. Now, Whitman is high-profile in Dallas, and a national expert on eye issues. Key-Whitman has grown from one office to six, now employs 150 people, and bills $40 million annually.

Glamour magazine once named Melinda Marcus one of the Ten Outstanding Young Working Women in America. Beginning in the late 1970s, she became a superstar in advertising, winning more than 100 awards, even producing a Super Bowl commercial for Hagar Slacks. She was the first female creative director for the national branding agency, The Richards Group. Eventually she formed her own company, Influence Advisors.

“One of the values of understanding how to read nonverbal signals is that when there is a disconnect between what is said and what is shown, you should always trust what is shown,” Marcus says.

People can fake a smile, but what they can’t fake is a micro-expression that betrays true feelings, she says. “If you see me smiling, but the muscles in the top half of my face are not engaged, it’s not real,” Marcus says. An unconscious micro-expression may last only an instant, but with training, you can see it. Marcus got her training from Joe Navarro, a former Special Agent who trained the FBI and became an international expert in body language.

“We all want to believe that decisions are made on logic,” she says. “But, every study shows that decisions are made on feelings, not facts. Judgments are made on whether I like you or not, whether I trust you, whether I believe you are an authority. Lasting first impressions are made in less than six seconds.”

“Sometimes it’s more about listening than talking,” says Lindsay Wilson, interior designer and executive managing principal at Corgan, the national architecture and design firm that renovated Love Field and designed the new Toyota headquarters and Parkland Hospital. “I’m fascinated by the science behind it, and I’m a skeptical designer. Melinda is one of the most highly rated speakers we’ve ever had. She knows how to put great ideas into action to grab attention and convert indecision into a win, which is an amazing skill.”

Marcus’ book, “Read The Room,” will be published in 2018

BY DON WALL PUBLISHED IN D CEO DECEMBER 2017

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Personal Branding For Modern Women: It's All About Self-Acceptance

It's time to recognize women for who we are, instead of oversexualizing, demoralizing and devaluing women.

Is she beautiful? Is she demure? Inviting of advances, but not too sexual. An object with a mind, but not a mind. As a culture, we’ve been submerged in a place where to be “feminine” we walk on eggshells, much like that of an abusive relationship. Careful, calculated moves mask self-doubt. There's an unbalanced focus on the superficial instead of issues of substance. It’s anxiety- and despair-producing to be disallowed the opportunity to just be.

Look beautiful, but don't be superficial.

Be smart, but don't be smarter than anyone else.

Look sexy, but don't draw attention.

Be gentle, but be aggressive.

Be assertive, but don't be a jerk.

Women's articles and branding topics are quickly turned into articles about what to wear to "ward of unwanted advances" and how to wear your makeup as to draw enough, but not "too much" attention. I'm tired of seeing these articles. There needs to be a place where, as women, we can find self-assurance and self-acceptance. From the water cooler to the boardroom to even our LinkedIn inboxes, unwanted advances and comments on our looks are unacceptable.

Instead of messages such as, "Congratulations on the new business venture!" or "Can you tell me more about this project? What interesting results you've achieved," I frequently receive LinkedIn messages about my smile or my hair. Mixed messages for women about how to dress, behave and build businesses are both underwhelming and overwhelming!

Ladies, I'm here to tell you that personal branding is about so much more than the way you look, it's about the way you make others feel. It is about who you are and how you resonate with yourself. When we look at strong corporate branding, it is all about signage, colors, website, print materials and tone of voice. It even echoes through sales processes and procedures. Strong brands have a strong identity and know their customer well.

I like to think of branding and marketing as best friends, and best friends need to be able to have a conversation. In my business, we work to develop strong, ethical brands that put their clients first — after they've established who they are. This is not theatre. Once you know your true desires, your personal brand will develop into something a lot stronger.

What do you want out of life? Who do you aspire to be? Have you taken the time to search out your own longings? Families, officemates and clients aside, who are you, and do you accept that woman? As cliché as it may sound, you have everything within you that you need to succeed. When it comes to your personal brand, give yourself the support you need to stand behind your experience and present yourself the way you want to be seen. Be your own self-affirmer, your own hero.

It's not about acting like a man. It's not just about acting like a woman. It is about acting like yourself and knowing your audience. When you know and accept yourself, your brand messaging will become more clear. People are marginalized to confidence, and confidence is not something that can be foraged.

In personal branding for women, it is time to shift the conversation away from the image and work on core issues. Do you accept yourself? Major strides have been made toward gender equality, but there are still steps to take. When is the last time that a man had to put on more makeup or spend $60 on a blowout to be taken more seriously? Looks shouldn't play a factor in the words and ideas we have to share.

Ladies, let's rise up and create a better future. If you are trying to satisfy your boss, devouring articles about office makeup, humoring unwanted advances or wishing you were "enough" but not "too much" for society, stop.

Back up the bus and get on the you train. Be yourself.

It is OK to be a bit of a jack-in-the-box. You don’t have to choose one column. Write all over the lines when you are defining yourself. Be the best version of you that you can be. If you’ve been looking for a way out of an identity crisis, I’m here to tell you to stand up, look in the mirror and say yes to the woman looking back at you. You’re worth it, and you’re more than capable.

Heather Pinay Heather Pinay , Forbes Councils

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Science Of Persuasion

Having troubling getting the team or staff on board. Worth checking this out,
it will save you hours of extra work! As always let me know how you get on.